What have I been up to? What have I been doing? Why have I not blogged in a week? What have I been cooking and creating? What has occupied my mind so much that I haven’t the voice, the energy the motivation to blog anything in 7 days?
A whole darn lot actually. I have been cooking without blogging.. shame. I have been creative without writing about it..another shame. And I have been deep thinking without writing about it, even more shame on me as a writer..lol. But now I feel that I have the power to write again, that my brain finally is making sense of my life again, so that I can write cohesive words on a page.
I have been thinking about such deep things in my life, my artwork and my writing to be exact; and not my present work, my work from a child. I have been deep thinking about the juxtaposition to be attached to things that give us memories and the fact that we need to let go of things in order to learn from them and move on. I have been realizing in the last week that I need to let go of artwork, in order to make more artwork. That I need to part with my writing assignments from junior high school and earlier, in order to move on as a writer and to not live in clutter for the rest of my life.
I have begun to realize that teaching my family to let go of stuff will help us be better and help me have less anxiety about having too much clutter everywhere. Maybe our house isn’t as cluttered as I may think that it is, but when I think about the small space that we have to share as a family, I feel selfish to be taking so much of it storing old artwork and writing of mine. I have finally found the courage to dive into my ‘boxes’ as I call them. 3 large totes that we have moved around with for almost 9 years that carry all my artwork and past. I even have dragged around a portfolio or two since junior college. I cant seem to live with the idea of living with my ‘boxes’ anymore. I have finally come to terms with the idea of throwing some of my memories away. I have finally realized that no memories are going to be better then the ones that I am going to make with the little family that I have created for myself.
I went through a whole hell of a lot as a child and teen. I wrote and made artwork as a release from every thing that I went through each day. I was a very creative child and displayed amazing reading and writing skills since a young age. No certificate or GPA paper will be the one to truly tell me how smart I am, especially from elementary school. I have come to terms with finally letting go of all my ‘academic scores’, judgments made by schools and teachers to tell me how smart I am. I know I am smart. I now write daily, if not weekly fully cohesive articles for my self made website and self made brand. I may not have always had the best math scores, and my ‘papers’ show that, but now I budget and shop with food stamps, adding, subtracting discounts and tax in the store with no problem. Nobody can tell me now that I am not ok with practical math that we use in everyday life.
I also have come to realize that all the artwork, does not matter. That all the practice work from elementary and beyond, may be cool to have, to look at, but it is virtually useless work. I am only coming to this conclusion after semi completing my newest 3d artwork. I had the idea to make these figurines out of paper mache and cover them with the entirety of what was in the ‘boxes’ of my art past. And now that I have dug through 2/3 boxes of mine, I have come to realize that most of what is in them, doesn’t need to be kept whatsoever. I have a new life, different from when I was a teen, and holding on to relics of my past feelings and artwork seem untrue to who I am now; a changed learned woman/Boho mom. Who can do everything, most everything creative that she can think of.
I do realize that I am only this creative as a result from the projects and writing that is in the boxes, but I do finally have the guts to move on. For I am an accomplished artist and not one person but myself will ever know how much art I have really made in my life. There is no reason for me to leave my family with ‘boxes’ that they wouldn’t understand. So for this next week, I am going to try and clear my boxes. I may take some digital pictures of some of my work, but ultimately I am trying to either re purpose it all for new art like my figures or throw it away. I know it may be hard, as is parting with anything in life. But harder for me, since I have held on to these ‘feelings’ for so long.
My husband suggested keeping a few things from each year, maybe just keeping my favorites, but right now, I feel like purging it all. I do not want to regret throwing away my work, but I do not think that I will be applying for an art college anytime soon, lol, I am a mother now with a kindergartner to take care of. I first made my ‘portfolio’ for this reason, but now it seems silly to have boxes and folders of my work. If I ever wanted to prove to anyone that I am an artist, I can make something. I know this now, if you want a portrait, still life, a coloring book, a figurine, I know I can make them. I know what I am capable of without having mountains of artwork to prove it. I may have mixed feelings letting go, but honestly, I think letting go of my past; artwork, feelings and old writing will help me heal to have a better future.
I would love to hear what you all do with your ‘boxes’ of past things? Have you ever purged everything from your past, have you ever thought about it? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live without ‘baggage’ of previous feelings and creative endeavors? I am thinking that I will know this feeling soon, that I can finally move on from my past.
It may have taken 9 years sitting with my work but I am finally ready to do it, to purge my skeletons in the closet. I only wish that I still lived off grid and I could burn my skeletons in a backyard fire, and watch them turn to smoke so I can start anew with my life without even worrying about making more garbage for this earth to deal with. I will recycle all papers that I can, so hopefully my art will not make such a impact on the world, even after leaving my boxes.
I am finally ready to write again, finally realizing what I am going to do with my skeletons that I just realized I have been hoarding for no reason. Finally ready to start anew with this amazing life that I have come to have, and move on from my past. It feels really interesting to be so excited for my future, that feelings that I once thought are obsolete. It feels really surreal to be so happy with who I am now, to let go of who I was then. It feels so different to be feeling secure enough to let go of my work, but I am going to embrace that feeling for the sake of my family.
I will never be the old lady with an attic full of skeletons aka artwork that my son will have to sift through and get rid of. I am even going to teach him now how to sift through the artwork that he creates, so he never has ‘boxes’ like I have come to deal with. I am now going to start a family spring cleaning session every year where we purge all the creative art and papers, it will be good for our souls and house. So I am sorry everyone for not writing, I was dealing with those darn skeletons.